Lawyers are like drinks: White Wine to Cosmos

White Wine

A lawyer sipping a glass of white wine is a study in contrasts. Very few men drink one of these unless their wife got two from the bar, so I’m going to focus on the women. On one hand, she is going to walk around working the men in the office crowd with her wine glass and overbearing personality. She knows how to enter into every conversation she wants to and always ends up being the center of attention. She will flash her smile and give just enough attention to the rest of the group so that they think she likes them. Ms. White Wine throws her head back and laughs while she cuts through or climbs over everyone in her way. It’s doubtful that she’s going to talk to you. You, it must be said, offer her nothing except someone to shift the blame or the bar complaint onto so she can move on. It’s probably a good thing she ignores you.

On the other hand, she is going to work every other woman in the crowd, especially the legal secretaries. Some of them she is going to share a glass of white wine with to pretend to be friends. Those kinds of connections let her stay on top of what’s going on with the other lawyers and their clients. Nothing is better than a tip that lets her swoop in and ‘rescue’ a client so she can look good to the partners, if she isn’t one already. With some of the other women she’s going to bring them a Cosmo or something just so she can look friendly. The white wine crowd knows that you keep your friends close but your frenemies closer.

What it says about you: You are calm, work a big case load, and you want to ditch these losers at your firm and be a Judge.

Your hobby: Divorcing a long series of men who were needy losers.

You wear: Severe business suits with colorful scarves.

Your car: The biggest, most expensive BMW you could find, probably in black.

Um, nothing really

Of all the drinks that tell us so much about the lawyers who drink them, this one is really my favorite. Everyone knows exactly what is going on with these people but nobody talks about it, or if they do it’s kind of a funny secret to everyone. When you meet one of the lawyers who don’t really drink anything in particular you’ll know right away. Many of them have a big pot belly. If you have dinner with them, they always order the pot roast. If it’s lunch at a Chinese place they order pot stickers. Get it? Every afternoon at 4:20 they have to take a break and head out behind the office. Sometimes they go hide on the roof. They have a whole collection of those weird Jerry Garcia ties and loosely match them to their wardrobe, unless they can get away with not wearing a tie at all.

These folks get the munchies at the weirdest times. When the office has an event, they try to sneak a big tray of brownies past the office manager. You will catch these lawyers walking around the office after hours in their bare feet. Their weird looking friends meet them at the back door every couple of weeks for a few minutes. At the company holiday party they’re going to have a few drinks and try to introduce you to their girlfriend Mary Jane. Don’t fall for that one, by the way. She ain’t worth it.

What it says about you: You’re a dirty hippy and you love it.

Your hobby: Watching the weather channel.

You wear: Shorts, sandals, and a tie dye shirt year ‘round.

Your car: A really old Mercedes with stickers in the window for the local hemp fest.

Red Bull and Vodka

I’m always a little worried about lawyers who order a Red Bull and vodka. Have you ever tried one? They taste like weird chemicals. The only thing worse is any drink made with Campari.

The thing is that I don’t think the lawyer who orders one of these drinks is level headed and sane. Although they may look normal, they’re ordering a Red Bull and vodka because it’s what they drink at their all night dance parties. It’s what their out of control friends are doing to party until they puke. They’re secretly crazy party hounds and that’s not really compatible with being a lawyer. They like the non-conformist X-Games attitude thing but they’re hiding it to try to fit in at the firm. Are they safe enough to trust with something really important or are they a screw-up waiting to happen?

There are only two real reasons these people drink Red Bull and vodka. The first reason is that they desperately want to fit in with the image of the 25 year old party crowd. Yes your 20’s were fun just like mine were, but you are a lawyer working somewhere serious now. You have to grow up. The other reason is probably worse: they order these drinks – one right after the other – for the caffeine and booze. Somebody who needs that combo to party until breakfast every weekend is either one small step away from a serious drug problem or in some kind of burn out phase.

What it says about you: You know where to party hard every single weekend.

Your hobby: Clubbing, surviving the next hangover, and hiding your exhaustion at work.

You wear: Weird club outfits that are popular in Europe.

Your car: Hopefully a taxi.

Cosmopolitans

I finally made it to the Cosmos. When done right, a Cosmo is a thing of well balanced beauty. I know there are a lot of variations on the standard Cosmo, but for simplicity’s sake I’m basically grouping them all together here.

Despite the image of Carrie sipping these with her friends in New York, a well made Cosmo tastes pretty good. If you’re interested in making them yourself, the key is to use real cranberry juice. It’s expensive and not sweet at all, but worth it. Anyway, the thing is that these drinks were basically unknown until Sex and the City made them famous. Now, years after they were the big fad they are kind of fading away, which is a shame. It’s still OK for a woman to order one but she kind of dates herself a little bit. That, plus she’s going to have to gracefully put up with jokes about Sex and the City. Of course if a guy orders one he’s going to have to put up with another joke from that TV show – the one about setting off everyone’s gaydar.

The lawyer who drinks a Cosmo is sophisticated enough to know how to order a decent drink. You know they have their drinking under control because they didn’t order a vodka martini with a squeeze of cranberry in it, which is the natural progression from Cosmo to full on, hardcore boozing. Someone who orders a Cosmo is going to be really social and wants to talk to everyone because they probably don’t get out too much. These drinks say you’re smart, you have class, and you know what a good drink is for an office gathering.

What it says about you: You loved the TV show but hated the movies. You like Cosmos because they are a big step down from martinis and you’re not a big drinker.

Your hobby: Being social and fun at those mandatory office get-togethers after work. You’re the person who holds the place together.

You wear: Nice, appropriate clothes. They probably have a little peanut butter on a sleeve from one of the kids.

Your car: A Toyota Highlander to cart the kids around to soccer.

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Author: Samuel Owen

This is my Lawyer Rant. I've put up with new associates trying to kill me, clients being dangerous idiots, and Judges being rude for far too long. It's time for me to tell it like it really is, and it feels good to give back.

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