I want to go to jail!

Kierran BatchelorMeet Kierran Batchelor, a 21-year-old miscreant from Britain. That’s his picture from his Facebook page to the right. He was caught burglarizing two homes in February 2013, for which he received a suspended sentence of 40 weeks in jail, drug treatment, and supervised probation.

He was sentenced and got out of jail in April, noting the occasion with a post to his Facebook wall: “IV JUST GOT OUT OF JAIL,, IM F**KIN BUZZIN!!!!!” Soon after leaving the slammer, however, he stopped showing up to his daily meetings with his probation officer.

I bet his Mum is proud!

According to The Daily Mail Online, Mr. Batchelor decided that the 10 a.m. meetings with his probation officer were too early in the morning for him. When his probation officer got a little upset and dragged Mr. Batchelor in front of a judge, our hero asked the Judge to be thrown in prison so he could sleep in.

“I’d rather go to jail and get it out the way, come out and get a fresh start, and not have to do probation and things like that,” he told the judge. To which the judge replied “You were given a chance and you have not taken it. Many would say you were fortunate.” As Batchelor was led out of the courtroom to start his 40 weeks in prison, he thanked the judge.

You can read more about this at Britain’s Daily Mail by clicking here.

Prosecutor’s perspective from the Literary Lawyer:

I think Batchelor’s attitude is obnoxious and shows a lack of respect for the court. I am not at all amused by his flippant remarks. It’s long been established that jail is not a deterrent to crime but I’ve never dealt with a criminal who actually wanted to be there.

Batchelor was convicted on two counts of burglary. In my jurisdiction, that’s 20 years per house he burglared. I’ve not seen his rap sheet but the lenient sentence suggests that he had no felony convictions. Which would explain why the judge gave him a suspended sentence. Anyone interested in turning their life around would have been grateful for the chance to do so and even more grateful to avoid a 40 year prison sentence. But Batchelor spat in the face of the court.

Cuff him and dress him in the fashionable orange jumpsuit. Don’t waste the court’s resources in trying to rehabilitate him. Let those resources be reserved for first offenders who made a mistake and truly want to change their lives.

Will Batchelor be a better person when he comes out? Absolutely not. He will still be the arrogant, foolish wanker that he is. Will he be a changed person after 40 weeks? Maybe. But probably for the worse. Nonetheless, if he thinks jail is easier than being on the outside, then he is well on his way to becoming a lifetime criminal.

To the UK that has the pleasure of Mr. Batchelor’s residency, I say to those citizens, lock up your houses, lock up your cars, lock up your daughters — Mr. Batchelor will be out in a mere 10 weeks to pray upon you!

You can read more from the Literary Lawyer by clicking here.


The defense lawyer’s opinion:

What’s so bad about taking your lumps? I mean hey, a guy like Kierran probably had to live with his Mum yelling at him all the time, his screwed up and drugged out girlfriend undoubtedly left him after his first jail stint, and his Da is down at the pub telling the town how cheesed he is about his wanker kid back home. Plus there’s all that hassle with staying clean and sober so you can go in to see your probation officer at the crack of mid-morning. Forty weeks in the joint would be a welcome relief for me, too.

Of course you can’t get “BUZZIN” all the time in the pokey but you can make new friends in the loo. A skinny runt like Kierran should also take advantage of every chance to hit the weight pile out in the yard that he can. It’s kind of the drug free vacation he really needs but without the raves and warm British beer.

Here in my hometown I get guys who prefer this arrangement every so often. Usually it happens when the weather turns lousy. Why freeze under the bridge when you can relax and enjoy the county’s hospitality? You get three hot meals a day every single day and you don’t even have to beg. They have real showers – no more waiting for it to rain – and you don’t need to ask to get deloused. The jail nurses will even help you get those intestinal worms under control if they’re bothering you again. You see? A jail stint has all kinds of upsides for some guys. I suppose there’s always the risk your bunkmates have TB or some weird disease that could kill you. You don’t want to rub up against some guy with MRSA in the chow line, either. Nobody wants an untreatable flesh eating disease, trust me.

Before I forget, consider the upside for Mr. Batchelor’s defense lawyer. These cases are super easy ways to make $750 off their parents or whoever is paying the bill. I mean, how hard is it to stand up there with the guy for 15 minutes and tell the Judge that he admits the violation and just wants to go serve his jail? You don’t have to bother calling witnesses or doing any actual lawyer work like writing a legal brief on the constitutional right to sleep in. Assuming you don’t have to sit around waiting for his case to be called for too long, that comes out to an hourly rate of about $3,000. I’m certainly not going to argue too hard with a guy who decided he just wants to give up and go to jail.

What’s your opinion?

-Samuel Owen

© Samuel Owen 2013. All rights reserved. Please read important notices and disclaimers by clicking here.



2 thoughts on “I want to go to jail!

Add yours

  1. hiya, this is kierran batchelor, the same kierran batchelor that u have just been slagging off on here..i think it is outragoues that u can talk about some1 like that when u have no idea who they are, what they have done ect….
    first of all, yh i got arrested for doing 2 house burglary’s, but iff u look at the facts,, what did i take??? did i steal anything from any of the property’s??? no i never…
    i robbed the first house as the person was a drug dealer so i went to his house and robbed his money that he was getting for selling drugs, in my eyes i did the community a favor by doing that as he had no money left to buy drugs to sell them to the community.. the 2nd house, i smashed the widow with a brick, never went in the house, nevr touched nothing,, u can say im stupid for even smashing the window but to be honest, thats whats kids do and they learn from there mistakes…
    i went jail in feb 2012 not 2013 (shows how much research u have done) and did 2 months on remand as it was a sereious crime i did so had to go to crown court, when being at the court, and explaining what i did, why i did it and how sorry i was they let me go on a suspended sentence and to go probation everyday at 10am which i did for the first 2 days but then got job working 10pm till 6am and probation still wanted me to go there everyday at 10am.. i n my eyes that is just stupid… yh i did a crime and have to pay for it but surley if i had a job then probation could of changed the time i had to go there right??? wrong… they never… they still wanted me to go everyday at 10am so i said no… they said i would goback to jail if i didnt do probation, so i said, change the time to 1pm and in will go everyday,, i even offered to do community service but they said no, either u go probation everyday at 10am or u go back to jail,, so in my words i said, send me to jail then, i would rather go to jail, do the time for the crime and come out and get a fresh start and not have to do probation so i could carry on with my life and get back to work..
    they sent me jail and now have been out for 2 years and aint been arrested since..
    for my up bringing, i had a good mum, no mum shouting at me ect like u said and had my own flat, and for taking drugs, i smoke cannabis yh but some people like to come home from work and have a glass of wine or 2 but as im a none drinker i like to come home from work and have the odd cannabis joint.. and for having a girlfriend that left me, u are so up ur own ass its unreal…. think u need to get a life instead of chatting shit about people..
    to be honest, u wrote all this stuff but all of it is wrong,, people like u who look down on people and slag them off when u aint got a clue and to belittle people and slander them like u have me is just wrong. dont judge a book by its cover..

    1. So what have you done recently Kierran? Are you still doing the community favors by burglarizing homes? Get yourself straightened out and I’ll talk about taking this post down. Until then you’re a screwup that can’t be taken seriously and you deserve the publicity you got. I’m sure your attorney wishes you had shut up and taken their advice to stay awake after work for a few hours to go see your probation officer. Then you could have slept the entire rest of the day until you went in to work at 10 p.m. Oh, and it’s not slander if it is true.

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