Beer bellies

Beer belly

I don’t criticize people for being bad spellers or being overweight or whatever. That’s just how they are and I have to play the cards I’m dealt to some extent.

Which brings me to the front butt. You know, the huge beer belly some people sport proudly as it sags down the front of their body. The spare tire. I can’t stand it when guys brag about earning theirs the hard way, 12 ounces at a time. Front butts are not limited to men, my friends, but you can’t really talk to the women sporting one. One never knows if they’re actually pregnant and they’re just going to go ballistic on you.

Anyway, it’s not possible for me to suddenly make clients shed 100 pounds to get into shape for a hearing in a couple of weeks. That’s not to say I don’t tell them to start getting exercise because I do. Wearing themselves out means they sleep a little better and maybe they will start taking a little more care of themselves. And I certainly yell at a few here and there to pull themselves together and start putting on clothes that fit. I can get away with a  little tough love from time to time and it helps me get through the entire retainer.

Gaining a lot of weight is sometimes a sign of health problems but it’s also a big sign that the person has given up or is dealing with bad depression. Every journey of a hundred pounds starts with the first bag of chips and it’s hard to control yourself when you have a serious legal problem. Being overweight is completely treatable with diet and exercise before it gets to dialysis or insulin injections but not on the time frame I deal with.

Beer belly wrapperBut like I said above I basically have to play the cards I’m dealt. I can’t set up a huge liposuction machine in the back office even though I actually looked into it once for fun. I’ve had a few try to wear manziers. You know, Cosmo Kramer’s brazzier for men. They really exist. One style of gut wrapper even makes it kind of look like you have real ‘six-pack’ abs. A bit creepy but at least it shows the client cares enough to pay attention to detail.

Despite essentially being helpless in the face of flab I can do some little things. For example, I make them tuck their shirts in. I refuse to help them button the bottom buttons if they can’t reach them. I don’t get paid enough for that debasement. But sometimes I make them go buy suspenders. God help the one that comes back with a rainbow pair like Urkel or Robin Williams on Mork and Mindy. And if I ever catch a guy wearing one of those fake beer belies that is really a bota bag full of beer I am going to throw him down the stairs.

-Samuel Owen

© Samuel Owen 2012. All rights reserved. Please read important notices and disclaimers by clicking here.

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