Leather pants don’t make you look cool, or hot, or groovy or anything else. They make you look like you’re a lame biker wannabe or like you were up all night in strip joints.
I realize you think you look flashy and are trying to show off how hip you are. But don’t forget that there are some serious problems with leather pants that few people think about. Like the fact that they stick to the court benches. And they don’t stretch – at all. Don’t forget, either, that you sweat like mad in them and they get really itchy.
That last point is important. I don’t want to see you reaching down and scratching yourself while we’re standing next to me in front of the Judge. And another thing – we’re not taking a break so you can deal with your pants riding up your rear, either. Don’t spray yourself with PAM cooking spray to keep the pants under control because everyone will know, it smells really weird, and you will make the wrong kinds of friends in the holding cell back at the jail.
From the Judge’s perspective, men who wear leather pants are trying to make a mockery of the serious nature of the judicial system. That, or you’re trying to make everyone think you’re a member of a vicious motorcycle gang and the Judge gets that message, too. Do you know what happens to motorcycle gang members and people who try to mock the judicial system? I’ll give you one guess.
Women who wear leather pants are trying to look fancy and sophisticated. Very few of you can pull it off. If you could you wouldn’t be living here and going to court with me. You would be in Paris or Rome. So don’t try to fake it because it makes you look cheap even if the pants cost hundreds of dollars. Just wear real clothes and take this court appearance seriously.