Herbal tea drinkers are all scrunched up and miserable. They wish they were young enough to drink soda again but they can’t because it hurts their stomach. Most of the time herbal tea drinker have just experienced a serious health scare and they went on some kind of spiritual journey through the herbal medicine books. At home they are taking all kinds of weird ground up tree root stuff out of irrational fear that their doctor might be wrong about that lump. Herbal tea at work is a way to hedge their bets. I mean, four billion healthy Chinese tea drinkers can’t be wrong, right?
One other kind of herbal tea drinker is the lawyer that is far past their “sell by” date. They are hanging on in a back office by a thread, working a few clients here and there but mostly gossiping with the new receptionist. A few more years and you will find them slumped over their desk the next morning. Or they are going to finally get lung cancer and be done. Herbal tea is their way of taking a little break from the hard stuff lawyers do like returning phone calls and writing letters. They like the smell of the herbal tea because it reminds them of someplace safe like their flower garden at home where they don’t have to worry about anything.
The last kind of herbal tea sippers are the weirdo granolas. They are going to set strange looking crystals on the edge of their desk. They smell like Patchouli. When they sit down in the breakroom they fold their legs underneath themselves on the seat and kind of perch sideways. They always hold their tea cup with both hands, cupping it like they saw some Tibetan monk do on a TV show. That guy was probably drinking warm Yak milk and harsh black tea, by the way – not sugary herbal stuff. Their reading glasses have strings of beads on the sides. They wear sweaters with sleeves that are too long and they don’t roll them up. Every three months they put a poster up on the wall in the breakroom advertising 20% off colonics at their favorite herbalist’s office. Don’t ever take them up on their offer of trying their herbal tea. You might not pass your next drug test.
What your drink says about you: You are washed up, crazy, or dying of something. You can’t handle anything harder than maybe some basic real estate cases or simple contract reviews but nobody wants to fire you and hurt your feelings.
Your hobby: Watching T.V., knitting, and pretending to garden. During dinner they talk to their spouse about all the funny things their herbalist said to them today.
You wear: Sustainably grown and fair labor priced hemp fiber clothing from Ecuador.
Your car: The bus. Maybe a sensible electric hybrid.