Soda is for the new associates who drink it all day long to keep up their energy. It’s sugary and kind of fills them up so they can skip the occasional lunch to get stuff done. The caffeine helps them a lot too. They were up re-writing a brief all last night. They are guzzling soda all day to try to stay away enough to write another brief that has to get in the mail by 5:00 p.m. today. They rarely look past the next couple of hours and they will crash and burn every Saturday morning.

Lately the soda crowd has been switching to the ‘energy drink’ crap. It has a lot more caffeine and some worthless stuff like guava root and ginko balboa which does absolutely nothing for them except induce some kind of mild placebo effect. The ‘energy drink’ crowd is really the Gen Y and Z group that graduated from law school a couple of years ago. Don’t get in their way because they have an 1,800 billable hour quota for the year and they are falling behind. They know our software package tracks their time each day down to the second and the other associates are ahead this week. They know our firm lays off the bottom couple of associates every few months and it makes them hungry the way a lion who hasn’t eaten in a week is hungry. And grouchy, too.

What your drink says about you: You are barely treading water. You need the sugar and especially the caffeine to survive another day. Maybe.

Your hobby: None. You work too much to have one. You have no friends either.

You wear: Three brand new work outfits. They’re all the same dark blue or black so you can alternate parts with a different shirt to keep it looking fresh.

Your car: A beat up Toyota Camry with way too many miles on it and a parking sticker in the window for the health club you never go to.

-Samuel Owen

© Samuel Owen 2012. All rights reserved. Please read important notices and disclaimers by clicking here.

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