Munchers

The muncher lunch.

I know the name sounds weird but that’s what we call these people as in “Oh, we got another muncher” or “looks like that muncher was hungry.” One of my friends giggles like a little girl every time I talk about munchers so I understand if you think it sounds funny too.

What is a muncher you ask? Well, I’ve been trying to come up with the best way to describe munchers. About 90% are men and there is really only one kind of muncher, although they sometimes get involved in different crimes. The best way I can think of to describe munchers is to tell you about how one I just met did his munching thing.

I’ll call him Gary. Like most munchers, it all started simply enough. In Gary’s case, it was a report of a vehicle with “possible switched license plates.” That’s a direct quote from the police officer. How would a cop on traffic detail know how to look for a possible switched license plate? I don’t know for sure, but that sounds a lot to me like an informant called something in and one of the detective teams made up a crime to get Gary pulled over.

However it actually came about, the traffic cop pulls up behind Gary, flips on his overhead lights, and initiates a traffic stop. The police report says the officer walked up to the front of the van Gary was driving and cleared up the issue of the ‘switched license plates.’ How that happened will forever be one of the eternal mysteries of the universe but that’s what the report says.

Then the police report gets really interesting. The officer says that as he was standing there talking to Gary he saw a small seedling marijuana plant about ten inches high in a red SOLO brand plastic cup. The plant was sitting in plain view in the console between the front seats. The officer didn’t react to seeing the plant but took Gary’s license “just to run a simple check for warrants.” What he really did was call for his Sergeant as backup before he made a drug bust. I’m guessing the cop thought the back of the van was so full of marijuana seedlings that Gary ran out of space and had to stick the last one up front.

Well Gary wasn’t fooled. He’s a muncher but he isn’t completely stupid. When the first cop walked back up to his window with the Sergeant, Gary said “I hope I’m not gonna get in trouble for the marijuana.” Um, well Gary that’s exactly what was about to happen.

The cop who wrote the report says he asked Gary “What do you mean?” Can’t you just see the expression on the cop’s faces when he said that?

Gary told the cops something about the marijuana plant belonging to a friend of his. Oh, right Gary, as if they’re going to believe that. The cops asked Gary to show them the plant. Can you guess what Gary said?

“I ate it.”

And that, folks, is what a muncher does. They eat the evidence of their crimes. The cops say in their report that they asked Gary to hand them the red SOLO cup and all that was in it was a little bit of potting soil on the sides of the cup. Gary ate a ten-inch marijuana seedling, potting soil and all, folks.

When the cops asked Gary why he ate the marijuana plant, he said “Because I didn’t want to get in trouble for it.” Well, duh officer. Stupid is as stupid does.

It’s bad enough that Gary ate the plant because, after all, things like that are grown in soil with bugs and fertilizer that’s kind of bad for you. Some fertilizer is, after all, manure. But the kicker is that in this state and many others possession of less than an ounce of marijuana is a violation, not a crime. Violations are a bit like parking tickets or speeding tickets or something. They can be expensive but that’s usually all. You don’t get hauled downtown and booked in the local Sheriff’s bed and breakfast for a violation. However tampering with evidence is almost always a felony. Not only does a muncher like Gary eat bad stuff but they get a felony arrest with an overnight in jail, their car gets towed, and they have yet another felony conviction with probation for several years.

I suppose munching is a more viable alternative if you’re caught with something valuable, small, really illegal, and safe to eat. I’m not sure there really is anything like that but I do know that munching drugs is never a good idea.

-Samuel Owen

© Samuel Owen 2012. All rights reserved. Please read important notices and disclaimers by clicking here.

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