This is my Lawyer Rant

Welcome to my blog. I’m writing all this because I’ve put up with new associates trying to kill me, clients being dangerous idiots, and Judges being imperial jerks for far too long. Its time for me to tell it like it really is to be an actual trial lawyer caught in the middle of all of this. It feels good to give back – to do onto others as they have so unfairly been doing unto me. This is my Lawyer Rant.

Writing this blog feels so good that I have been going out to the storage unit to dig through the piles and piles of closed file boxes. I generate something like ten to fifteen boxes of closed case files each year and I have been collecting them for a long time. I pulled some of the lowlights from recent years, and while some of this stuff is tragic and some is just plain crazy, I’m telling you that you can’t make this stuff up. Well, I probably could but you can’t. Anyway, I have only managed to get through a few boxes. I have barely scratched the surface (literally, just a couple of boxes on the top layer) but oh boy do I have some fun stuff to share with you now. You just wait until I spend a week digging deep into the back corners.

People sometimes tell me that they understand what it’s like to deal with some of this stuff but why am I writing about it? Well the fact is that all of the pain and suffering from everyone else’s problems have been piling up inside for so long that parts of me are growing old and dying. I’ve tried other ways to let it loose but I tell you, like Waylon Jennings said it’s been an awful awakening in a country boy’s life to look in the mirror in total surprise, at the hair on my shoulders and the age in my eyes. The way I see it is that either I pay far too much for a psychotherapist to keep asking me how I really feel, or I write it all down and get rid of it.

I’ve never liked all that touchy feely therapy stuff anyway, so you, my friend, get to read all about what it’s like to be a street lawyer. Read on, because I’m going to tell you how I really feel about clients and life in law firms on topics such as:

Gifting Circles and why they are illegal

My favorite scams of all time

What not to wear to court

Legal issues that have been in the news lately

How to identify lawyers by their favorite drinks

Good, solid advice to newbie lawyers

Law practice management

and the surprisingly popular:

Field guide to clients

Hopefully these stories also bring you a laugh or a chuckle, even if it’s through the tears the way I experienced most of this. Sometimes it felt like it the things I write about were going to kill me at the time but like the song says I finally made forty and I’m still wearing jeans.

One last thing: Everything in my blog is true, at least as far as I can tell. I have the files, pictures, and police reports to prove it. Oh sure I’ve changed a few things here and there so the events are more logical to understand. Drunken clients have a habit of telling you the wrong things on occasion. Cops, prosecutors, and Judges try to do the same thing to suit their purposes. Most of the time I tell you when I have to straighten out the story, though. And of course I absolutely change the details whenever possible to protect the innocent victims. That’s only necessary a few times but I make no apologies for it. They have already suffered plenty and I still have enough of my humanity left that I refuse to cause them more hurt just to amuse you for a few minutes.

Other than that, you’re going to take a sometimes sad, sometimes stark, but always painfully true trip with me through the darkness of my work as a street lawyer. If you notice I’m writing about you in here and it hurts your feelings, well too bad. You richly deserve it. You made me miserable with your pathetic whining and personal problems. I’ve got plenty of problems of my own. Why should I have to solve yours also? You probably tried to stiff me on the bill anyway.

-Samuel Owen

© Samuel Owen 2013. All rights reserved. Please read important notices and disclaimers by clicking here.

5 thoughts on “This is my Lawyer Rant

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  1. I have never seen a blog with this premise- it is completely unique and very interesting. I hope you find the ‘steam’ to keep at it because this is going to be amazing eventually.

    1. What?!? This blog is amazing already, if I must say so myself because you obviously won’t. Haven’t you read it? You know – the field guide to lawyers based on what they’re drinking, my all time favorite scams, the crack jacket and other things you shouldn’t wear to court, stuff like that. And lets not forget I called the verdict in the Zimmerman trial down in Florida months and months ago. I even explain why I know Drew Peterson is as guilty as sin. Where else but my amazing blog will you find a lawyer dishing the kinds of lawyerly secrets I reveal as I throw it back to the lousy jerks, new associates, and imperial idiots in black robes I’ve been dealing with. And by the way, I think I’m also an amazing model of lawyerly restraint most of the time. Now my book is a different story, but for those real-life tales of legal woe (in the worst kind of way) you have to pay to play. And laugh.

      -Samuel Owen

  2. Out of everyones comments and reading the article in its entirety, I still have yet to see how the math doesn’t work? If I give my “donation” to the circle as one of the 8 and I recruit 2 more to do the same, that’s all that is required for a successful circle from anyone starting on the outside. Once I’m in the middle, I receive the funds from the 8 newest recruits on the outside. I didn’t have to recruit 128 new people nor is 128 needed to close a circle…everyone who comes in recruits only 2 for it to work and there are 4 levels. 8 x 4 = 32. Now, don’t get me wrong. I found this article because someone approached me to do this but I didn’t join as of yet without doing any research. I am just looking for someone to tell me how the math doesn’t work? The leader who collects, always joins a new group from the outside and needs to re-donate to get in. Basically, you pay one time, get to the middle, collect your profit and do the same thing again. You don’t always need new people, they recycle themselves. Also, the group introduced to me is not for charity or helping people. It’s just to create money. Can someone tell me why this wouldn’t work for the short run? It’s new in my area and I think I could get through 2 circles and then get out. How could that not be profitable when it’s new? Thanks for your feedback!

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