Lite beer is strictly for the lawyers in their late 20’s who can’t grow up and are being worked to death. They got their first big job at a prestigious law firm and the enormity of the burden they have taken on is crushing the life out of them. They know that the grind to put out 1,800+ billable hours a year is going to kill them unless the stress of deadlines and dealing with some really serious stuff in those case files doesn’t do it first. Have you ever carried the burden of not screwing up the defense of a claim for $10 million?
Lite beer drinkers loved the parties in college and law school. They remember how much fun they had back then. So, they suck down cheap lite beer to relive the old memories and numb their brains after a horrifying work week dealing with backstabbing fellow associates, insulting clients, and a spouse who wants a divorce because they’re bringing work home each night. Lite beer is cheap self medication. The lawyers downing this stuff drink one right after the other like they are fish swimming upstream.
You see a crazy look in their eyes when two lite beer drinkers get together. They recognize a fellow sufferer and they seek solace in the bottles and a friend. After the first couple, you will see them standing there with a beer in each hand as they are laughing hysterically telling stories about what they have been going through. It’s a coping mechanism but it’s painful to watch. They’re completely unprepared for dealing with the stress that gets dumped on them and they’re practically out of control. They try to pick up everyone standing around them until a sympathetic legal secretary stuffs them in a cab.
What your drink says about you: You are not handling the stress well and are two steps away from hitting on your boss’s wife and getting fired. You need to take up running or something constructive but you’re probably well on the way to hardcore alcoholism and bottoming out as a legal aid lawyer.
Your hobby: Dangerous extreme sports on the weekends. Well actually anything that gets you away from work, sounds exciting, and could lead to a concussion or broken bones.
You wear: Severe business suits and dresses. Men are wearing red power ties and the women are wearing $500 Italian shoes they can’t afford.
Your car: You drive the fancy, huge, over priced Lexus SUV parked in the really tiny associate parking spot in the basement by the elevator. Now that you have such a huge car payment to go with your huge student loan payment and huge mortgage payment (and soon a huge alimony payment), you can’t afford to quit the firm and do something that would make you happy. Go drink more cheap lite beer.
-Samuel Owen
Lawyer Rant 